My very first love, several years ago, put the zombie apocalypse on my radar. It had never crossed my mind before, I’d never heard anyone discussing it, but he was into having a plan. One evening, cuddled together, well past the first “I love you,” he started detailing his survival plan to me. At first I didn't pay too much attention, but as he continued through the plan, which I don’t remember especially well but involved his best friend (who as far as I could tell fervently wished my head would be eaten by zombies sooner rather than later), I realized that at no point in this plan did my love ever come to find me. I pointed this out, jokingly, because after all, it was a discussion about the zombie apocalypse. It was ridiculous. I expected him to say something silly like, “Of course I would come for you! I just….forgot to say that part.” Or really, ANYTHING but what he actually said, which was, “You’re weak. You’d be dead before I could get to you, so there’s no point.”
The fact that I still bring this up in conversation 4 years later should tell you exactly how deep the wound to my soul went. He saw my devastated face and tried to make it better. “But if I saw you later, and you were a zombie, I would shoot you in the face to put you out of your misery.”
I’m not sure about other girls, but this didn't exactly strike me as a super romantic concession.
After we broke up (not over zombie issues), the first guy I went out with afterwards was beautiful and muscular and drove a little red sports car and took me out for a lovely dinner and I started to believe maybe things would someday be okay again. Just before our second date, we stopped at his apartment and while he was in another room I scanned his bookshelf and discovered that he owned How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse, displayed right there front and center on his book shelf.
It was our last date. Not actually because of the zombie book so much as the fact that he was an ass during dinner, but still! I felt followed by zombies.
In 2011 I met my next Love and, after a time, when I was sure we were so very much in love, that this was It, that this was The One, I decided to ask the most important question I knew:
“In the case of the zombie apocalypse, would you come for me?”
Because this was It, because he was The One, because it was a STUPID QUESTION, I expected him to say, “Of COURSE I would come for you,” and heal all of my old soulwounds.
What he ACTUALLY said, after a distressingly long pause, was, “I need more information.”
I flew into a rage. “You need more INFORMATION? You need MORE information? You NEED more INForMAtion?!!”
He remained calm. “Well, yes. Where are you? Where am I? Do I have weapons?”
“This is a SILLY question. It does not require serious thought of any kind! You just have to SAY you would come for me.”
He wouldn't do it. The question plagued us for months, for the rest of the relationship even. He started asking his friends, strangers at parties, and every single person, to a MAN (and woman) with only ONE exception EVER said, “I need more information.” Strategies were relayed, weapons were discussed. It became a whole thing. I hated it. All I wanted was for someone to love me enough to agree to come for me if the zombie apocalypse were to happen WHICH IT WON’T. The person doesn't even have to ACTUALLY come for me, he just has to SAY he will. IS THAT SO HARD?
I should have known then that he was neither It nor the One, but I persisted in delusions for awhile longer until we too broke up (also not zombie issues). I went immediately for some of the usual dating sites and had soon set up some absolutely terrible dates with some absolutely terrible people, one of whom stands out because once again, the zombie apocalypse was brought up. I don’t remember why exactly, but since he started it, I decided to retell the story of my first boyfriend because at this point, it’s a just a funny story to tell during zombie apocalypse discussions.
But this guy did not think it was funny. Instead of laughing, or smiling, or even acting awkward to my awkward story, he studied me seriously for a moment before saying, “I wouldn't shoot you.” Before I could even say “thank you?” he continued, “I wouldn't waste a bullet on you.”
I was stunned. This really didn't seem like a great first date statement. I tried to make a joke out of it. “Ha! How kind of you to let me live in zombie form!”
“I said I wouldn't shoot you. I can think of a number of other ways to kill you.”
Maybe I’m a nervous type, but perhaps some of you others out there also feel it is a TERRIBLE IDEA to say something like to a woman you met on the internet on a first meeting.
Also a last meeting.
Despite the fact that I think the zombie apocalypse is STUPID, it has really become a force in my life, to the point that I have decided if I were to ever marry, I would only marry if we wrote our vows to say, “I would come for you in the zombie apocalypse.” And when I find someone willing to say it to me, I’ll know I've found REAL love. Or at least a man with enough brain power to understand the concept of rhetorical questions.
No comments:
Post a Comment