Becky is the second guest poster this blog has ever had! How exciting. Below is Becky's contribution to the chronicle of the world's poor decisions:
(Becky planned to be a guest contributor so she could write about her many bad
decisions. However, she's decided that she would rather remain in denial about
her bad decisions-- at least for the time being--and write about the bad
decisions of others instead.)
“America Fuck
Yea!!”
Driving a
Corvette around town so you can rev up real fast and blast pimpin’ music...
this is the dream of many teenage boys, although hopefully by the time most of
them grow up they realize that this makes them douchebags. Several of them
don't, inevitably. But something all men should be aware of: if you live in
Berkeley, California, the tree-hugging capitol of the nation, being a grown man
burning rubber in a Corvette is a Very Bad Idea. You could risk losing clients,
your reputation, or possibly more.
My friend Todd did precisely this, however. Todd is not the type of person one would expect to do this. Todd is a liberal, feminist UC Berkeley graduate who listens to emo music. He did not even own a car for several years, as he thought it would be fun to bike everywhere. After a while, however, he realized that being car-less might be messing up his game with the ladies. Even women who were car-less and claimed to love that sort of thing often ended up leaving Todd for men with cars. So when Todd's friend who worked at Google was moving to Africa and offered to sell Todd his Corvette for a few thousand dollars, Todd took him up on the offer.
At first Todd was weirded out by the idea of driving a Corvette around Berkeley. What if his client saw him; what if he ended up attracting like a magnet the few gold-diggers who must lurk the streets of the Berkeley? But eventually Todd got used to driving the Corvette, and even started to blast rap music while revving up on occasion. He claimed that he was doing these things "ironically," in hipster fashion (which makes it so much better, of course).
One day, however, Todd took the irony factor a little too far. While in the dollar store, he happened upon some American flags. "Wouldn't it be funny," Todd thought naively, "to buy some American flags to put in the window of my Corvette?" Tickled pink with himself and his hipster irony, Todd began cruising around Berkeley in his American flag decorated Corvette. He might have even yelled "America Fuck Yea!!!" out the window once or twice.
Todd's little "joke" lasted about one hour. He claimed, of course, he only planned on doing it for a couple days. He had no desire to pretend to be a douchebag any more than that. I could stop here, to leave you wondering what happened to Todd and just what price he had to pay for his foolishness. We know he at least made it out alive, for he lived to tell the tale.
I should also mention that all this was happening at the time of the Occupy Protests, which caused revolutionary sentiment in Berkeley to rise to a fervor comparable to the 1970s. Todd had not thought of this.
Instead, Todd made the mistake of leaving the American flags up in his window when he went food shopping. As he was stocking his cart with organic vegetarian food and reverting to his regular persona, protesters were making their way through the parking lot. Although we can't say for sure, my guess is that the protesters were not looking to make trouble. But probably the sight of an impeccable Corvette with American flags in the window was more than they can handle. And so when Todd returned to the parking lot, eager once again to play the role of a meathead and scream "America Fuck Yea!!!" as he cruised around town, he found himself in for a surprise. His beautiful Corvette had been keyed across the front, scratching the paint and probably reducing the value of the car by a couple thousand dollars.
As one might
conclude, Todd no longer drives around Berkeley with American flags in his
window. Nor does he rev up like a douchebag (except for a few rare occasions).
Who knows who else might have happened if Todd were to have continued on his
rampage unheeded? He is probably lucky his car is only scratched. So the moral
of this story, for those of you who are considering putting American flags in the
windows of your nice new car as a joke: Don't do it, unless you live somewhere
like Kansas or you're prepared to pay the price.My friend Todd did precisely this, however. Todd is not the type of person one would expect to do this. Todd is a liberal, feminist UC Berkeley graduate who listens to emo music. He did not even own a car for several years, as he thought it would be fun to bike everywhere. After a while, however, he realized that being car-less might be messing up his game with the ladies. Even women who were car-less and claimed to love that sort of thing often ended up leaving Todd for men with cars. So when Todd's friend who worked at Google was moving to Africa and offered to sell Todd his Corvette for a few thousand dollars, Todd took him up on the offer.
At first Todd was weirded out by the idea of driving a Corvette around Berkeley. What if his client saw him; what if he ended up attracting like a magnet the few gold-diggers who must lurk the streets of the Berkeley? But eventually Todd got used to driving the Corvette, and even started to blast rap music while revving up on occasion. He claimed that he was doing these things "ironically," in hipster fashion (which makes it so much better, of course).
One day, however, Todd took the irony factor a little too far. While in the dollar store, he happened upon some American flags. "Wouldn't it be funny," Todd thought naively, "to buy some American flags to put in the window of my Corvette?" Tickled pink with himself and his hipster irony, Todd began cruising around Berkeley in his American flag decorated Corvette. He might have even yelled "America Fuck Yea!!!" out the window once or twice.
Todd's little "joke" lasted about one hour. He claimed, of course, he only planned on doing it for a couple days. He had no desire to pretend to be a douchebag any more than that. I could stop here, to leave you wondering what happened to Todd and just what price he had to pay for his foolishness. We know he at least made it out alive, for he lived to tell the tale.
I should also mention that all this was happening at the time of the Occupy Protests, which caused revolutionary sentiment in Berkeley to rise to a fervor comparable to the 1970s. Todd had not thought of this.
Instead, Todd made the mistake of leaving the American flags up in his window when he went food shopping. As he was stocking his cart with organic vegetarian food and reverting to his regular persona, protesters were making their way through the parking lot. Although we can't say for sure, my guess is that the protesters were not looking to make trouble. But probably the sight of an impeccable Corvette with American flags in the window was more than they can handle. And so when Todd returned to the parking lot, eager once again to play the role of a meathead and scream "America Fuck Yea!!!" as he cruised around town, he found himself in for a surprise. His beautiful Corvette had been keyed across the front, scratching the paint and probably reducing the value of the car by a couple thousand dollars.
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