Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Grandmothers, Part 3

MY GRANDMOTHER ON DATING AND SEX


Me: This one time on OkCupid a guy messaged me something stupid and his photo didn't have his face just his chest so I wrote back "What are you hiding?" And he wrote "I'm not hiding anything baby" and included a photo of his penis.
Grandmother: Oh that's nothing.
Me: Really?
Grandmother: Oh yeah. Right now we're reading Canterbury Tales in my literature class and there are penises all over. We talk about penises all the time now! It's a lot of fun.

Grandmother: DANIELLE. I wish you would just get married AND HAVE BABIES!!!
Me: It's not even 9 a.m. Can't we wait until afternoon?
Grandmother: Why are you sick?
Me: I don't know?
Grandmother: WHO HAVE YOU BEEN KISSING?

Grandmother: I was reading the paper and I found a letter to the editor from this guy I used to date, oh, 60 years ago.
Me: How nice!
Grandmother: Yes. It means he's still alive.
Me: Yes...that is a good sign.
Grandmother: I wonder if his wife is.
Me: You planning to make a move?
Grandmother: Eh. He lives in Virginia.
Me: I buy all of my groceries one item at a time now, every day, because I found a cute, nice cashier.
Grandmother: Oh is it that nice handsome one from Senegal?
Me: No he's a skinny white boy with a Justin Bieber haircut.
Grandmother: JESUS CHRIST.
Me: Do you even know who Justin Bieber is?
Grandmother: No. But it sounds awful

Grandmother: You're going out with this guy, but you don't know anything about him?
Me: He's a Jew.
Grandmother: SO?!
Me: Isn't that what you wanted?
Grandmother: No! There are dumb Jews! There are GANGSTER Jews!
Me: ....when was the last time you met a GANGSTER Jew??
Grandmother: There was that Bugsy fellow.
Me: I am moderately sure he's not a gangster. Happy?
Grandmother: Moderately.

Grandmother: I was doing some cleaning today and I found all these letters from 1948. 6 of them were love letters in French from a man named Natale. But I don't remember him at all! No clue where I picked him up. I also found letters from Ilya.
Me: Ilya? Who's that?
Grandmother: My Bulgarian boyfriend. And then in the next drawer, I found the letters from Amad.
Me: Who?
Grandmother: My Syrian boyfriend.
Me: How many boyfriends did you have exactly, in 1948?
Grandmother: Let me see...(begins counting)
Me: Good heavens.

"These days, all the girls, they stay over at these boy's apartments. That never occurred to me when I was dating your grandfather. I wish it had!"
"Yeah Grandma, you totally missed out during those three months before your marriage."
"I know!"

Grandmother: I preferred the crossing of the Atlantic, from New York to France. No one could get hold of me. No phones, no internet, no mail. No one could bother me, I was free, no stress. Also I had a fling with one of the ship's officers.
Me: ON EVERY TRIP?
Grandmother: ::changed subject::


Grandmother: These days the boys say, "Come up to my place and watch a movie." In my day, it was, "Come up to my place and see my paintings." But it all means the same thing. Trouble.
Me: Did that line get you in any trouble Grandma?
Grandmother: Well you know your grandfather?
Me: Ah. I see.
Grandmother: Oh yes. But he did really have paintings.


Top of Form
First I had quality time with my grandmother: "Grandma, have you ever had your heart broken?" "No. I just break other people's hearts. Though there was that one Irishman..." "What happened there?" "Oh, you know, he was a bit unstable." Then I had quality time with my father and Sister: "See Dad, I told you Dani is useless." "You did tell me that. And you were right." Then quality time with just Sister: "...why is there a small monkey in our dirty laundry?"

"So how was the 'movie?'"
"There was a real movie, Grandma, with many other people. But it was a horror movie, so not my thing."
"A PORN movie?
"NO! Horror! Horror!"
"You and that damn Pittsburgh accent."

Grandmother: That's why I like the porn.
Mother: The porn?? WHAT?
Grandmother: The porn, the porn thing on the television.
Mother: ....you're watching PORN? Mother! What!
Me: I think she is trying to say "pawn." Like that Pawn Stars show.
Grandmother: Yes, exactly! The porn stars!


"Do you see any 80 year old men in these bar you go to?"
"Not so far..."
"Maybe I should look on the internet."
"For an 80 year old man?"
"For an 80 year old man who will go with me to these bars."

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Grandmothers, Part 2

MY GRANDMOTHER ON LITERATURE, MOVIES AND TELEVISION

Grandmother: Tell your aunt to bring me A Dirty Old Man next time she comes.
Me: Are you sure that's a good idea in your condition?
Grandmother: It's the name of a BOOK, Danielle.

Grandmother's entire opinion of all ten billion pages of Anna Karenina: "She's a jerk."

"Did you finish that book? The author shares my views on only children."
"And what view is that?"
"That only children are selfish, egotistical, and insensitive."
"Grandma...you are an only child."
"I know!"

Me: Are you aware the movie you want us to see is the erotic tale of a young girl's lesbian awakening, cataloging her passionate sexual encounters?
Grandmother: So what?
Me: It's rated NC-17.
Grandmother: So what? It's a French movie.
Me: I'm just saying, there is so much graphic sex that they couldn't even rate it R.
Grandmother: Are you trying to tell me you don't want us to see this movie?
Me: I....all right. Fine. Just wanted you to be aware.
Grandmother: And you should be aware that this movie is 3 hours long.
Me: Oh. Hell no. That puts us home way past bed time. Pick another movie.
Grandmother: You are no fun.
Me: I'm sure I've heard that said.

"Danielle, something happened the other night after you went to bed."
"Uh oh."
"I turned the TV back on, and that channel you were watching came up. And DO YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW? A naked woman! Completely naked! With people behind her engaged in...SEXUAL ACTIVITIES."
"What was it? Did you watch it?"
"Well OF COURSE I watched it."

"...that movie, Girl With the Butterfly Tattoo."
"Could you possibly be talking about the Girl with the DRAGON Tattoo, Grandma?"
"...yeah...."
"Girl with a BUTTERFLY Tattoo would probably be a really different movie."

Grandmother: What was the name of that movie we saw last week?
Me: You mean that one with all the nudity?
Grandmother: Yes. Wait. Which of the ones with all the nudity?
Me: Ah yes, there have been a few haven't there.


"I don't like sad movies. I prefer murder and mayhem."
"But Grandma...isn't murder sad?"
"No, Danielle. It's just life."
And later... "...then he decides to jump into the volcano with the mafia's vials and dies."
"And you don't find this sad?!"
"Well, I was sorry. Because then they canceled the series."

I arrived home this evening and entered the house to hear a loud, deep, male voice saying, "He walked to her and took her in his arms. Her breasts pressed firmly against him. She was such an exotic, sensual creature..." I walked into to the TV room to find my grandmother and said "What are you WATCHING?" She just said, "You know, one of my shows." I really do not know what my grandmother gets up to when I am out.



MY GRANDMOTHER ON 50 SHADES OF GREY

Grandmother: So, Fifty Shades of Grey....
Me: Yes?
Grandmother: Have you read it?
Me: Yeah.
Grandmother: Should I read it?
Me: Eh. I don't recommend it especially highly. And you're a little late to the party.
Grandmother: I think I'll read it this summer.

Grandmother: Guess what I bought today!
Me: I have no clue.
Grandmother: Fifty Shades of Grey.
Me: Nope, would not have guessed that one.
Grandmother: I'm going to read it on the plane. It sounds crazy!

Grandmother: I finished 50 Shades of Grey. It was horrible! Repetitive...are the others better?
Me: Worse.
Grandmother: WORSE? HOW CAN IT GET ANY WORSE? What is this nonsense? Mishegas! I have a plan. I'm going to put it back on the library free books shelf and hide behind a bookshelf to see what crazy person takes it.
Me: ........someone exactly like you.
Grandmother: Oh. Right.

And because my mother is my grandmother’s daughter…

Mother: Do you have a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey I can borrow?
Me: Have you been talking to your mother?
Mother: What?
Me: Never mind. First of all, that is so 2012. Second of all, it's Twilight fanfiction based. You know how I feel about that.
Mother: I thought it was about sex. And women. And sex.
Me: Well what do you think Twilight is about?
Mother: Vampires?
Me: AND SEX. Besides, I left my copy at my ex-boyfriend's place. I could ask for it back, but I think at this point that would get awkward.
Mother: DAMN IT.



Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Grandmothers Part 1

For a long time, people have been telling me to collect all the conversations with my Grandmother I post on Facebook.  I finally decided to do it.  No, I'm not publishing a book.  But I'm collecting them in one place in several parts that I will post here over the next few days. Four years ago, when I moved in with her, my grandmother told me, "Stick with me kid, and interesting things will happen."

They sure did.


MY GRANDMOTHER ON POLITICS AND THE STATE OF THE WORLD:


While watching television my grandmother said dead serious, "We should have annexed Canada long ago." When I asked why, she got annoyed and only said, "Because!"

Grandmother: So what does this new place of yours do?
Me: Oh you know, they're another hippie liberal non profit. Trying to save the world.
Grandmother: That's nice. But the world's a lost cause.
Me: That's depressing.
Grandmother: No. It's a fact.

Grandmother: Bill Clinton is looking FANTASTIC.
Me: Is that so? I think it may just be your crush giving you bias.
Grandmother: No, he looks amazing. But! He has become a VEGETARIAN. He eats...kin-wa. Oy vey.
Me: Quinoa? Maybe you should start eating it too.
Grandmother: Oh no. No no. Ugh. Does Todd like that weird stuff you cook?
Me: It is NOT WEIRD.
Grandmother: Oy vey.

Last night I walked in the door and the first thing my grandmother said to me from her armchair was, "I am waiting here for my boyfriend!" VERY confused, I asked her what on earth had been going on during the day and she shook her head and said, "I mean Bill Clinton. He'll be on TV soon. That man can leave his slippers under my bed any night." As far as I can tell, my grandmother has had three great loves: my grandfather, Bill Clinton, and Che Guevara. It makes me wonder about her. And my grandfather.


MY GRANDMOTHER ON TECHNOLOGY

Me: Have you talked to them yet?
Grandmother: Yes, your aunt gets them on the Spike.
Me: The WHAT?
Grandmother: Spike. That's how she talks to them.
Me: Grandma, I think you mean SKYPE.
Grandmother: Whatever.

Grandmother: I've only ever gotten two viruses. Remember the pornography?
Me: That was not a virus. That was just you opening porn sent by strangers.
Grandmother: What's a virus do then?
Me: It depends. Bad ones can give hackers your passwords so they can get into all your online accounts.
Grandmother: No they can't. Even I don't know my passwords.
Me: I think they can still get them.
Grandmother: That's great! Then they can tell me what they are!
Me: I'm not sure it works like that.

Grandmother: You are never going to believe what I did last night.
Me: I cannot even imagine.
Grandmother: I think I made some progress on the printer. I pressed a lot of buttons, and then I started shouting HELP ME! HELP ME GET MY PRINTER ONLINE. And the voice activation whosiwhatsis heard me, and brought up a note that suggested I read the instruction manual!
Me: All this time.......and you never thought to read the instruction manual? I assumed that was the first thing you had done.
Grandmother: Of course not! Why should I have to read instructions?

Grandmother: You lose your phone ALL THE TIME.
Grandmother's friend: No! I never lose it! I MISPLACE it.
Grandmother: The last two times I called you, your phone was in the toilet.
Grandmother’s friend: Right, but I knew exactly where it was!

"SEE how many of these Viagra ads I get, Danielle? I don't need Viagra....but it's too bad I don't have a boyfriend." --My grandmother, who is displeased with her spam filter.

Yesterday afternoon while I was at work, the microwave stopped working. I arrived home to find Grandmother moping in her pajamas and yelling about microwaves and ultimate betrayal. She had clearly taken it quite personally. I walked over to the microwave and pressed the "on" button, and the microwave worked just fine. Now Grandmother is convinced her microwave has self-awareness and was playing an April Fool's Day joke on her. I suggested this seemed unlikely, but she was so gleeful, admiring her microwave's rascally nature, that I just let it be.