Internet Strangers

We got The Internet when I was twelve years old. It came on a gigantic square computer and it made all the exciting beeping sounds. AOL was Supreme Ruler, and chatrooms were the thing to do if you were young and bored and left in the house for a few hours with your 1 year old sister who would spend those hours trying to eat the ear off a stuffed rabbit.

"DO NOT TALK TO INTERNET STRANGERS," cautioned my parents, 80 times a day for 3-4 years of my life. "There are some terrible people out there," said my father. "40 year old men masquerading as 15 year old boys will lure you into coffee shops, kidnap you in a van, rape you,  murder you, hack off your limbs and store your body in pieces in a freezer in their basements," said my mother. "Or they will show you photographs of their penises," said the world in general. I was given the general understanding that pretty much every middle aged man in the world was on the internet pretending to be a 15 year old boy, just waiting to show off a a photo of his genitals.

At 27, having now seen more photographs of penises than necessary, I do wonder how on Earth anyone expects those to lure any young girl anywhere. But parents were worried.

"DO NOT LOG INTO INTERNET CHATROOMS!" They would repeat at intervals. "INTERNET STRANGERS ABOUND. THEY WILL TELL YOU THEY ARE 15 YEAR OLD BOYS."

The very first thing I did when I was left alone with the internet was take the 20 minutes to dial up AOL and log directly into chatrooms where I soon met someone who told me he was a 15 year old boy.

This is it! I thought. What intrigue! We discussed all kinds of things, our little sisters, our schools, our interests, and eventually, our travels. I enjoyed talking to this "kid" whose screen name is long forgotten, though I'm sure it was terrific.  I was NiteshadeD. Or maybe Juniper25. Names fraught with meaning from fantasy novels which made me pretty awesome.

In any case, we were probably talking every few days for about two weeks, for an hour or two at a time and I felt dangerous, living life on the edge, entering a tangled web of lies. I obviously had no intention of ever meeting this potential penis photographer, but the rebellion made me feel interesting and exciting. And finally, one day, it happened for me.

"my famly took a trip 2 ireland last summer that was definitaly the most beautiful place ive ever been," he wrote me. Middle aged internet predators can't be expected to have much care for spelling or capitalization. 

"I've never been to Ireland," I wrote back. 

"ill send u a pic," he wrote, and started to load a picture.

IT'S HAPPENING! I thought. I WILL EXPOSE HIM FOR THE MIDDLE AGED INTERNET GIRLSTALKER HE IS! I WILL HAVE THE BEST STORIES AT SCHOOL TOMORROW.

But what ACTUALLY loaded on the screen was a photo of a 15 year old boy with a red face next to a little sister in what I can now tell you did indeed look exactly like Ireland.

He clearly was just a 15 year old boy with no sketchy motives and I lost interest and that was the end of our internet relationship.

I had completely forgotten about this until a recent conversation with my mother.

"You need to sign up for JDate. Your father and I agree. Your grandmother too. We'll pay for it. You need to do this. This is where everyone finds people."

"What if....no."

"Yes. I will give you my credit card."

"How about....no."

"Yes. This is happening."

"I've been down this road.  There are WEIRDOS on the internet. You have no idea."

"There are plenty of nice men on the internet! My friend's husband's sister's second oldest daughter met her fiance on this site! So did....all of these other people I've heard of."

"There are not as many nice men on the internet as you think. They all just send me photos of their penises."

"Oh Danielle, what? You are probably putting something weird in your profile information. You always attract the crazies. There are plenty of nice men on there, all the other women see to find them."

"You say that because you're not the one with the inbox filled with really strange sexual propositions."

"You just need to revise your profile. I'll take a look."

So basically my parents have gone from NEVER TALK TO INTERNET STRANGERS EVER to WE DEMAND THAT YOU TALK TO INTERNET STRANGERS AND WE WILL EVEN PAY FOR IT. And I have gone from never receiving any sketchy photos to finding nothing but.

This is growing up.  What was once new and exciting and edgy is now old and dull and painful.