Grandmothers, Part 3

MY GRANDMOTHER ON DATING AND SEX

Me: This one time on OkCupid a guy messaged me something stupid and his photo didn't have his face just his chest so I wrote back "What are you hiding?" And he wrote "I'm not hiding anything baby" and included a photo of his penis.
Grandmother: Oh that's nothing.
Me: Really?
Grandmother: Oh yeah. Right now we're reading Canterbury Tales in my literature class and there are penises all over. We talk about penises all the time now! It's a lot of fun.

Grandmother: DANIELLE. I wish you would just get married AND HAVE BABIES!!!
Me: It's not even 9 a.m. Can't we wait until afternoon?

Grandmother: Why are you sick?
Me: I don't know?
Grandmother: WHO HAVE YOU BEEN KISSING?

Grandmother: I was reading the paper and I found a letter to the editor from this guy I used to date, oh, 60 years ago.
Me: How nice!
Grandmother: Yes. It means he's still alive.
Me: Yes...that is a good sign.
Grandmother: I wonder if his wife is.
Me: You planning to make a move?
Grandmother: Eh. He lives in Virginia.

Me: I buy all of my groceries one item at a time now, every day, because I found a cute, nice cashier.
Grandmother: Oh is it that nice handsome one from Senegal?
Me: No he's a skinny white boy with a Justin Bieber haircut.
Grandmother: JESUS CHRIST.
Me: Do you even know who Justin Bieber is?
Grandmother: No. But it sounds awful

Grandmother: You're going out with this guy, but you don't know anything about him?
Me: He's a Jew.
Grandmother: SO?!
Me: Isn't that what you wanted?
Grandmother: No! There are dumb Jews! There are GANGSTER Jews!
Me: ....when was the last time you met a GANGSTER Jew??
Grandmother: There was that Bugsy fellow.
Me: I am moderately sure he's not a gangster. Happy?
Grandmother: Moderately.

Grandmother: I was doing some cleaning today and I found all these letters from 1948. 6 of them were love letters in French from a man named Natale. But I don't remember him at all! No clue where I picked him up. I also found letters from Ilya.
Me: Ilya? Who's that?
Grandmother: My Bulgarian boyfriend. And then in the next drawer, I found the letters from Amad.
Me: Who?
Grandmother: My Syrian boyfriend.
Me: How many boyfriends did you have exactly, in 1948?
Grandmother: Let me see...(begins counting)
Me: Good heavens.

"These days, all the girls, they stay over at these boy's apartments. That never occurred to me when I was dating your grandfather. I wish it had!"
"Yeah Grandma, you totally missed out during those three months before your marriage."
"I know!"

Grandmother: I preferred the crossing of the Atlantic, from New York to France. No one could get hold of me. No phones, no internet, no mail. No one could bother me, I was free, no stress. Also I had a fling with one of the ship's officers.
Me: ON EVERY TRIP?
Grandmother: ::changed subject::

Grandmother: These days the boys say, "Come up to my place and watch a movie." In my day, it was, "Come up to my place and see my paintings." But it all means the same thing. Trouble.
Me: Did that line get you in any trouble Grandma?
Grandmother: Well you know your grandfather?
Me: Ah. I see.
Grandmother: Oh yes. But he did really have paintings.

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First I had quality time with my grandmother: "Grandma, have you ever had your heart broken?" "No. I just break other people's hearts. Though there was that one Irishman..." "What happened there?" "Oh, you know, he was a bit unstable." Then I had quality time with my father and Sister: "See Dad, I told you Dani is useless." "You did tell me that. And you were right." Then quality time with just Sister: "...why is there a small monkey in our dirty laundry?"

"So how was the 'movie?'"
"There was a real movie, Grandma, with many other people. But it was a horror movie, so not my thing."
"A PORN movie?
"NO! Horror! Horror!"
"You and that damn Pittsburgh accent."

Grandmother: That's why I like the porn.
Mother: The porn?? WHAT?
Grandmother: The porn, the porn thing on the television.
Mother: ....you're watching PORN? Mother! What!
Me: I think she is trying to say "pawn." Like that Pawn Stars show.
Grandmother: Yes, exactly! The porn stars!

"Do you see any 80 year old men in these bar you go to?"
"Not so far..."
"Maybe I should look on the internet."
"For an 80 year old man?"
"For an 80 year old man who will go with me to these bars."