Physical Training, Physical Torture

Several weeks ago I went to a training session for some kind of medieval euro MMA along with my friend Julia, in a dinner-theater place in Alexandria, Virginia.  The people running it are....interesting.  They told us the following story.....

Long ago in the middle ages knights in certain areas of Europe (Britain??) were taught a unique and distinct fighting style, mixed martial arts combined with swordplay, and it was the deadliest, most effective, efficient combat style in all the land and it was SUPER SECRET such that no one would write down the moves lest the information fall into the hands of the enemy. And so the art was passed down, generation to generation, until eventually it was lost forever as there was no written record. 
Then one day about 10 years ago a woman up in her attic cleaning out things discovered a series of drawings and diagrams which turned out to be an instruction manual on this secret deadly art of combat--someone had illicitly written it down after all and hidden it away for hundreds of years! Anyway, after the drawings surfaced, they attracted a small but cultish following of men and women set on learning this most incredible of all mixed martial arts.  

These people have come across some money, and are investing in a building somewhere possibly in Virginia that they plan to turn into a medieval military training facility where students will be taught the lost art and trained from childhood to adulthood in the ways of battle, chivalry, and honor on a quest for glory and possible world domination. Their vision for this school appears to be much like marine corps training, and only the best, the most fit, the most brilliant will graduate after years of training and testing in both physical and mental arenas.  Graduates of the program will earn KNIGHTHOOD, a most high and esteemed honor granted to a very select and superior few.

Obviously they are going to need instructors for their school, and since there aren't a whole lot of people with background in this particular area, they need to get creative. And so they advertised these free training sessions in order to train a small but elite fighting force that they will eventually hire in full and part time positions at the battle school.  At the end of training, they will review us and determine who the best are, and who they wish to hire on as instructors of KNIGHTS.

After this whole explanation I already began to feel a little concerned about my presence there, but mostly it was just fascinating.  There were 6 of us, plus the leader man, plus his 2 knights there to train the rest of us in knightly pursuits.  Three were men, 2 aged about our age and 1 aged about 40, and then me Julia and a girl our age.  The leader, or "Duke," told Lady Jennifer to take the rest of us "out to the alley" for "PT" which at this point I can only assume stands for Physical Torture.  

When I heard "out to the alley" I raised my hand and inquired, "We will be....outside?"
I received only stares of contempt. 

So I put on my ankle length gigantic puff coat, wrapped my scarf around my face, whined a lot at Julia, and headed outside to the alleyway behind the restaurant.  Upon arrival, I was told to start running, just to "warm up."  So off we went running around Alexandria in the cold winter night air, me in my giant coat and the others in sensible running wear like sweatshirts and those stylish headbands.  

After running a quarter mile, which is more than I have run in 10 years, we returned to our alley where I attempted not to cry.  Lady Jennifer, who was not winded, thought for a moment and said, "Okay, just to warm up....do 20 pushups, sprint to the end of the alley, when you get there do 20 squats, sprint back, do 20 scissor kicks, sprint back, do 20 jumping jacks and I guess we'll go from there."

I raised my hand. "What's a scissor kick?"
I received stares of contempt.  

I had to get down in the alleyway in my coat with my scarf still wrapped around my face and do pushups.  I only did 11 and then acted like I'd done 20 and sprinted off to do the squats.  Which are hard to do in that coat! I really did not have freedom of movement....
Eventually by watching others I discovered that scissor kicks are when you lie on your back and kick your legs up and down straining all of your muscles until you start to cry. I did not want to lie down in the alley but I was also already humiliated enough, so I did. 

After finishing THAT, Lady Jennifer had us do a minute of planking, which I will not even describe to you but it is basically horrifying. And also involves lying down in the alley. 

Remember also it is FEBRUARY OUTSIDE.  

I have never been more unhappy.  

Eventually we did get to learn a bit of the swordplay which was super awesome, but we were STILL OUTSIDE so I was still very unhappy.  It was pretty interesting though....in some ways very similar to fencing but of course in other ways extremely different.  

Only 15 minutes into sword lessons in the back alley, I turned to Julia and said, "I'm going home."  

I left her there. 

And that is my medieval European mixed martial arts experience. Julia is continuing on, and perhaps can continue telling us tales about the weirdness.