Sunday, May 10, 2015

Grandmothers, Part 2

MY GRANDMOTHER ON LITERATURE, MOVIES AND TELEVISION

Grandmother: Tell your aunt to bring me A Dirty Old Man next time she comes.
Me: Are you sure that's a good idea in your condition?
Grandmother: It's the name of a BOOK, Danielle.

Grandmother's entire opinion of all ten billion pages of Anna Karenina: "She's a jerk."

"Did you finish that book? The author shares my views on only children."
"And what view is that?"
"That only children are selfish, egotistical, and insensitive."
"Grandma...you are an only child."
"I know!"

Me: Are you aware the movie you want us to see is the erotic tale of a young girl's lesbian awakening, cataloging her passionate sexual encounters?
Grandmother: So what?
Me: It's rated NC-17.
Grandmother: So what? It's a French movie.
Me: I'm just saying, there is so much graphic sex that they couldn't even rate it R.
Grandmother: Are you trying to tell me you don't want us to see this movie?
Me: I....all right. Fine. Just wanted you to be aware.
Grandmother: And you should be aware that this movie is 3 hours long.
Me: Oh. Hell no. That puts us home way past bed time. Pick another movie.
Grandmother: You are no fun.
Me: I'm sure I've heard that said.

"Danielle, something happened the other night after you went to bed."
"Uh oh."
"I turned the TV back on, and that channel you were watching came up. And DO YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW? A naked woman! Completely naked! With people behind her engaged in...SEXUAL ACTIVITIES."
"What was it? Did you watch it?"
"Well OF COURSE I watched it."

"...that movie, Girl With the Butterfly Tattoo."
"Could you possibly be talking about the Girl with the DRAGON Tattoo, Grandma?"
"...yeah...."
"Girl with a BUTTERFLY Tattoo would probably be a really different movie."

Grandmother: What was the name of that movie we saw last week?
Me: You mean that one with all the nudity?
Grandmother: Yes. Wait. Which of the ones with all the nudity?
Me: Ah yes, there have been a few haven't there.


"I don't like sad movies. I prefer murder and mayhem."
"But Grandma...isn't murder sad?"
"No, Danielle. It's just life."
And later... "...then he decides to jump into the volcano with the mafia's vials and dies."
"And you don't find this sad?!"
"Well, I was sorry. Because then they canceled the series."

I arrived home this evening and entered the house to hear a loud, deep, male voice saying, "He walked to her and took her in his arms. Her breasts pressed firmly against him. She was such an exotic, sensual creature..." I walked into to the TV room to find my grandmother and said "What are you WATCHING?" She just said, "You know, one of my shows." I really do not know what my grandmother gets up to when I am out.



MY GRANDMOTHER ON 50 SHADES OF GREY

Grandmother: So, Fifty Shades of Grey....
Me: Yes?
Grandmother: Have you read it?
Me: Yeah.
Grandmother: Should I read it?
Me: Eh. I don't recommend it especially highly. And you're a little late to the party.
Grandmother: I think I'll read it this summer.

Grandmother: Guess what I bought today!
Me: I have no clue.
Grandmother: Fifty Shades of Grey.
Me: Nope, would not have guessed that one.
Grandmother: I'm going to read it on the plane. It sounds crazy!

Grandmother: I finished 50 Shades of Grey. It was horrible! Repetitive...are the others better?
Me: Worse.
Grandmother: WORSE? HOW CAN IT GET ANY WORSE? What is this nonsense? Mishegas! I have a plan. I'm going to put it back on the library free books shelf and hide behind a bookshelf to see what crazy person takes it.
Me: ........someone exactly like you.
Grandmother: Oh. Right.

And because my mother is my grandmother’s daughter…

Mother: Do you have a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey I can borrow?
Me: Have you been talking to your mother?
Mother: What?
Me: Never mind. First of all, that is so 2012. Second of all, it's Twilight fanfiction based. You know how I feel about that.
Mother: I thought it was about sex. And women. And sex.
Me: Well what do you think Twilight is about?
Mother: Vampires?
Me: AND SEX. Besides, I left my copy at my ex-boyfriend's place. I could ask for it back, but I think at this point that would get awkward.
Mother: DAMN IT.



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