Grandmothers Part 1

For a long time, people have been telling me to collect all the conversations with my Grandmother I post on Facebook.  I finally decided to do it.  No, I'm not publishing a book.  But I'm collecting them in one place in several parts that I will post here over the next few days. Four years ago, when I moved in with her, my grandmother told me, "Stick with me kid, and interesting things will happen."

They sure did.

MY GRANDMOTHER ON POLITICS AND THE STATE OF THE WORLD:

While watching television my grandmother said dead serious, "We should have annexed Canada long ago." When I asked why, she got annoyed and only said, "Because!"

Grandmother: So what does this new place of yours do?
Me: Oh you know, they're another hippie liberal non profit. Trying to save the world.
Grandmother: That's nice. But the world's a lost cause.
Me: That's depressing.
Grandmother: No. It's a fact.

Grandmother: Bill Clinton is looking FANTASTIC.
Me: Is that so? I think it may just be your crush giving you bias.
Grandmother: No, he looks amazing. But! He has become a VEGETARIAN. He eats...kin-wa. Oy vey.
Me: Quinoa? Maybe you should start eating it too.
Grandmother: Oh no. No no. Ugh. Does Todd like that weird stuff you cook?
Me: It is NOT WEIRD.
Grandmother: Oy vey.

Last night I walked in the door and the first thing my grandmother said to me from her armchair was, "I am waiting here for my boyfriend!" VERY confused, I asked her what on earth had been going on during the day and she shook her head and said, "I mean Bill Clinton. He'll be on TV soon. That man can leave his slippers under my bed any night." As far as I can tell, my grandmother has had three great loves: my grandfather, Bill Clinton, and Che Guevara. It makes me wonder about her. And my grandfather.

MY GRANDMOTHER ON TECHNOLOGY

Me: Have you talked to them yet?
Grandmother: Yes, your aunt gets them on the Spike.
Me: The WHAT?
Grandmother: Spike. That's how she talks to them.
Me: Grandma, I think you mean SKYPE.
Grandmother: Whatever.

Grandmother: I've only ever gotten two viruses. Remember the pornography?
Me: That was not a virus. That was just you opening porn sent by strangers.
Grandmother: What's a virus do then?
Me: It depends. Bad ones can give hackers your passwords so they can get into all your online accounts.
Grandmother: No they can't. Even I don't know my passwords.
Me: I think they can still get them.
Grandmother: That's great! Then they can tell me what they are!
Me: I'm not sure it works like that.

Grandmother: You are never going to believe what I did last night.
Me: I cannot even imagine.
Grandmother: I think I made some progress on the printer. I pressed a lot of buttons, and then I started shouting HELP ME! HELP ME GET MY PRINTER ONLINE. And the voice activation whosiwhatsis heard me, and brought up a note that suggested I read the instruction manual!
Me: All this time.......and you never thought to read the instruction manual? I assumed that was the first thing you had done.
Grandmother: Of course not! Why should I have to read instructions?

Grandmother: You lose your phone ALL THE TIME.
Grandmother's friend: No! I never lose it! I MISPLACE it.
Grandmother: The last two times I called you, your phone was in the toilet.

Grandmother’s friend: Right, but I knew exactly where it was!

"SEE how many of these Viagra ads I get, Danielle? I don't need Viagra....but it's too bad I don't have a boyfriend." --My grandmother, who is displeased with her spam filter.

Yesterday afternoon while I was at work, the microwave stopped working. I arrived home to find Grandmother moping in her pajamas and yelling about microwaves and ultimate betrayal. She had clearly taken it quite personally. I walked over to the microwave and pressed the "on" button, and the microwave worked just fine. Now Grandmother is convinced her microwave has self-awareness and was playing an April Fool's Day joke on her. I suggested this seemed unlikely, but she was so gleeful, admiring her microwave's rascally nature, that I just let it be.