Taxes

Tax season is upon us, so I thought we should have a theme-fitting story.

Due to the fact that I am an individual with a degree in English Literature, until last year I had never had to file taxes, not having had a big-girl job in the United States. It is possible I should have had to file taxes for my overseas job, but if you think I was going to figure that mess out and read any kind of paperwork, you are mistaken. Also I'm pretty sure my year's income was well under what a person needs to have in order to be required to file taxes anyway.
In any case, as we have stated, I have a B.A. in Literature and if you think I was about to do all the mathematics required to file taxes on my own, you are mistaken AGAIN.

I went to my father for help, which he was glad enough to do since he has learned over these many years that I am not to be trusted with ANYTHING, from helping my grandmother pick out a Gadget, to choosing an insurance plan, to opening a new box of Cheerios without accidentally exploding the bag and causing Cheerios to rain down from the heavens (Dear Father, you may still be finding Cheerios around the kitchen since I moved, and you may be confused as to why this is. Sister did it. She says she's in Chicago at school, but I think she comes back in secret sometimes and just goes around making messes).

Because my father didn't want any tax related disasters, he felt it prudent to acquiesce to my pleading for help. But he wanted me to LEARN, so I had to be doing it with his supervision.

I started off almost excited, because my father informed me that I was probably eligible for some kind of big tax refund that may or may not have had something to do with Obama. I don't follow politics at all, to a criminal degree, possibly because my mother has several degrees in the subject. Only extensive psychological research will tell us for sure.

Taxes are a painful process. And I didn't even have much in the way of what we who are knowledgeable in the way of the taxes call "assets." We got through the whole terrible process with occasional question and answer sessions that went like this:

Father: Well how much were you paying in insurance when you started the plan?
Me: Damned if I know.
Father: Well get out your checkbook and see what amount you sent them that month.
Me: I don't write those kinds of things down in my checkbook.
Father: How do you balance your checkbook?
Me: ...What now?
Father: You make it very difficult to help you, Danielle.

and

Father: What were your total earnings from the newspaper from X month to X month?
Me: How am I supposed to remember that??
Father: They sent you a 1099. Go get it.
Me: You mean that piece of paper that had a lot of numbers on it that came in that important looking envelope marked "Important Tax Information?"
Father: Yes, exactly!
Me: Yeah, I think I threw that away.
Father: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We did eventually get through the process with only a few tears (mostly my father's), and finally we came to the very end when all I had to do was write the checks to the federal and state governments. We did it!

My father, emotionally exhausted, said, "All you have to do is copy this amount and this amount on to checks and make them out to these people and these people. I know you can at least handle that much. I need a break."

I let him go, and sat down to finish this business. I carefully made out one envelope to the feds and one to the state. Then I carefully wrote in the proper amounts of money. Then I carefully wrote both checks out to the Federal government and mailed them.

Yes, both checks. To the Federal government. Without realizing it, which is why when a few weeks later when I received an angry letter from the state government declaring I was in danger of being charged with tax evasion I was Very Surprised.

I didn't know what to do, so I showed my father. My father made some Phone Calls. He came back and explained. "All you had to do was write. The. Checks. That was it. That was all you had to do. Copy it down." Though really, he couldn't have been particularly surprised.

I fixed things by writing a new check to the state, which my father supervised. I never did get my money back from the federal government, who kindly cashed BOTH of my checks. This is more due to my own laziness than anything else. I made a few phone calls but I can't handle all that being on hold and getting bounced from one completely unhelpful person to the next so after only five days I gave up.

This year, my father has decided that it is in everyone's best interest if he just does my taxes himself. In my defense, this year I didn't throw away any important documents. Although I also still don't have any kind of documentation system for my checkbook.