Gadgets

My grandmother does not have the internet. She does not have a computer. She does not use a cell phone. She has a cell phone, but it's never been on and the one time she had it on by accident and it rang, she didn't know how to answer it. She calls all modern technology "gadgets." Laptop, phone, Blackberry, iPad...all gadgets. So when my grandmother came to me and said, "Danielle, I'm thinking of getting one of those gadgets," I wasn't completely sure what she meant.
"A computer?"
"No."
"A camera?"
"No."
"A new television?"
"No! A gadget, you know of those..." She started stabbing the air with her finger.
"A...light saber?"
"No no no no no no! They have buttons, you look things up..."
"A Blackberry?"
"Yes, like that, but not a Blackberry. I want an Android."
I could not for the life of me figure out what my grandmother, who refuses to use things like computers and cell phones, could possibly want with a Droid. As it turns out, what she wants is to have the internet with her at all times so that when she is at lunch or book club meetings with her friends and gets into an argument, she can PROVE HERSELF CORRECT with the power of the internet.

I let her choose a day on which we could go together to "the gadget store," and off we went. I expected to end up at a Verizon store, but instead we ended up at more or less the equivalent of RadioShack. I began to say to my grandmother, "Perhaps Verizon would be more..." to which I only got, "Quiet, Danielle."
Once in the gadget store, the employees informed my grandmother that they did not carry Androids or Blackberries or any of those things. The closest thing they had to what my grandmother wanted was an iPad but it was "TOO BIG!" to fit in her purse. The gadget store employees were all declared wildly incompetent, and we headed off to Verizon.
At Verizon, we ran into a new problem.
"What do you MEAN the Android is a phone? I don't want a phone. I want an internet."
Eventually the salesperson and I were able to convince my grandmother that there was nothing the salesperson could personally do about making the Android not a phone anymore, and after a lot of back and forth and general insanity we settled on a Galaxy Tablet which is actually quite neat.
Then the salesperson, instead of GETTING OUT QUICKLY, asked the terrible question, "Tell me about the service you use for your landline. How much are you paying? What? That much? Let me tell you about how you can save a lot of money!"
You all know about me and my penchant for buying absolutely anything and everything salespeople suggest I buy. Well guys, turns out I got it through genetics. My grandmother and I together in that store were the most pathetic victims the world has ever seen. We walked out of that store an hour and a half later with a Galaxy Tablet, a flashy new box to plug into the landline to make all the phones run through some wireless system, and a new plan for my grandmother's barely touched cell phone.
Before heading out, the salesperson asked for my grandmother's email address.
"I am NOT giving you my email address! That's how I get all of these emails about Viagra! And girls in Russia! And PENIS englargements. Do I look like I need a penis enlargement? I do not have a PENIS!"
The salesperson actually literally did a headdesk and needed to take a moment to himself before he stopped laughing to hard to ring her up.
The next day, every phone in my grandmother's house was knocked out. She called in Verizon to fix it. The following day, every phone in my grandmother's house plus her WebTV was knocked out.
My grandmother's phones and WebTV have been out for four days now, she's run over the minutes on her new cell phone plan, and she's angsty over not checking her email for a week.

On the bright side, she now knows how to answer her cell phone when it rings.